December 19, 2003: toilets

E-mail to my mother regarding personal events:

So, big day yesterday.... I get this email around 4:00 from the boyfriend... he is saying, man, I don't know what you did this morning in the bathroom, but after I did my "normal" thing (uh... #2).... I flushed the toilet, and it overflowed... the water wouldn't stop coming and there was a huge mess that I "cleaned" up.... but it's not really taken care of yet... I just soaked up the water."

I'm thinking okay... well, yeah, I had an emergency yesterday morning (and wound up being 10 minutes late leaving the house).... and it wasn't pretty at all.. right? So, I get home at the same time as he did... and he gets a mop and bleach out of his car, so I'm thinking oh, geez, it HAS to be bad for him to go and buy cleaning supplies. So, we go upstairs to the apartment.... and he's like, oh, don't even go in there (he has the door shut).... and then he's like, why don't you keep rubber gloves around here? I don't understand why there aren't any rubber gloves... (no one ever uses them, but I had one pair a long time ago)... he says, I found one though.... so, finally I go in the bathroom. The floor is covered with soggy newspapers that have laid there all day long... and right on top is the ONE rubber glove he found.. (it's laying inside out on top of the nasty newspapers soaked with human waste, right?).. and he has the nerve to grill me on why I don't have 20 pair of rubber gloves stashed away.. what a goober... (well, you know, i'm sure it was MY turd that clogged up the toilet, but still... when I left everything was fine)... so I scooped up all those stinky papers with a plastic bag over my hand. Then use the bleach and mop to clean it up a bit, you know? Meanwhile the cat can't keep his fat nose out of there, cuz he's way curious as to why he hasn't been able to go in the bathtub and lick the wet sides of the bathtub all day. So, that problem is being handled... the toilet tank top is lengthwise in the toilet tank, causing the tank to be completely dry (which I thought was weird, but whatever)... so I pull out the lid and the tank starts to fill up, and the toilet itself is totally nasty.. makes me sick to think about it in fact. So, because it has been over 10 hours since this happened, the goo in there is sort of down to nothing, drained out, you know? So, I thought for awhile.. and took a chance and flushed it (mind you we DON'T have a plunger)..... it's still clogged, but it didn't run over this time... but the boyfriend comes running, shouting... "what the **** are you doing!!??? Are you crazy!?" and "I'm not cleaning it up again if it runs over..." hahah. I said, oh, just relax... I have clogged up lots of toilets :) So, anyway, oh, I forgot to mention.... the bathtub is covered with black footprints... I guess somehow he got ink from the newspapers all over his feet... and I was like, what happened to the bathtub? He says, oh, that is from my feet (I'm thinking EWWwwww.) Anyway, so I soaked the tub with bleach also... in the meantime we have to get a plunger or use the toilet at Denny's or something.... he says, well, Jewel-Osco didn't have any plungers... Okay (all the time he has just decided that he's not going to even bother with the bathroom anymore, he's cooking the dinner instead, which is fine with me).... so I ask him, where is Ace Hardware... I dunno.... so I call them, and find out.... ask em if they sell plungers... and the girl laughs and says yep... so, I leave the boyfriend while his onions on the stovetop and have to drive to Ace and buy the Korky plunger.. the most industrial one they had, I guess (I don't see why anyone would buy that little tiny plunger they sell)... anyway.... finally, we have a plunger... so I go back and show the toilet who's boss... long story short, I spent over 3 hours cleaning the entire bathroom with bleach and cleaners and everything... so it is pretty darn clean now! My rug (that white thing).... got all nasty, and it's sitting in a bag waiting to go in the laundry room for two or three washes...but it was quite an eventful night. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it!